“The author’s dilemma”

The hard truth (and hope) of being a writer in a capitalistic society - blog issue 1.4

Dearest writers, 

I first and foremost wish you a happy new year! 2025 has already come and I’m already rubbing my temples! Yay! For those who don’t know, I have been studying over the summer holidays since October with back-to-back classes since February last year. And I will continue until October this year (because apparently I hate myself). I’M KIDDING. No, but really. All I can say is that law school is not for the faint of heart. 

In light of university taking up approximately a world of my time, I thought a fitting issue to start this year would be about what I call the ‘author's dilemma’. To write despite work. To write in a so-called capitalistic society. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all ‘Gatsby’ on you. I just think it is so interesting that most writers (unless, put bluntly - you’re rich) are faced with the lack of choice. Unable to pick passion over livelihood. But…attempting to do it anyway. To write in twilight and grow shadows under the eyes. To be over-tired as soon as that 9am shift or lecture makes those shadows tears. Sound relatable? 

Because a lot of historical authors, too, have had this depressing dilemma.

I find soul-wrenching relatability with Franz Kafka, my favourite classical author, who was an insurance lawyer his whole life. And he wrote this in a draft letter found in his diary…

“Since I am nothing but literature and can and want to be nothing else, my job will never take possession of me, it may, however, shatter me completely, and this is by no means a remote possibility”.

When I first read this quote I was taken aback. The revelation - the realizing - that this is not only Kafka’s own predisposition. But a story of many writers (inclusive of all creatives for that matter). C.S Lewis was a history academic. Stephen King was a highschool teacher. Leigh Bardugo was a makeup artist. And me? Well I am a measly law student with a 60k debt. I am a part of the many poor passionists who are shackled by reality. The need for a secure job. Money. To fulfil others' expectations of you. 

Even if you are studying to be a writer (go you!) you have been hit with the expected questions and judgements like ‘how are you gonna make money in that?’ or simply ‘that’s not a real job’ or ‘you probably won’t make it’. It’s laughable. When you want to be a writer you're crazy, but when you make it you’re a ‘genius’. If you couldn’t tell, dear writers, this whole conundrum I contribute to 70% of my teenage angst. Having to do law has become my bane so that my dream of becoming a writer has never been so far away. But…I’m afraid I am not very special. Pretty much every writer has their writing dreams at arms reach. A cavernous hole that the world has comically opened for us like a red carpet. To have jobs to make ends meet. Family to look after. Homework to complete. Debts to pay. Rent to feed. Traffic to wait. It is inevitable and sad. Very very sad. But who can help it? 

So, like all writers before and to come, we must do the impossible. To write as we study. To write as we work. To lose sleep over manuscripts and get up for that 9am lecture. Balance? No, it isn't balance. It’s simply sacrifice. And in most cases, it takes a whole lifetime to achieve. 

Writers sometimes comment on my YouTube videos, ‘How do you write so much during school?’ or ‘How are you so productive?’ and, truly, people in real life come up to me and ask the same questions. And I tell them bluntly that I do not write a lot when I have uni work. And I am actually the laziest person I know. It’s frustrating because there is no right way to do it. Especially when you're mentally exhausted with all your responsibilities. I thought it could change when I graduate, move out and get a job. I’ll have work hours then home hours. But I think my free time will only deplete as the years go on. With spending time over money things, visa things, future family and work things… I don’t mean to depress you with my cynicism but it is a true fear - that my future job will - as Kafka puts it,  ‘shatter me’ because I didn’t make it as an author in my 20s. 

You may still be asking why I chose law and not something like a creative writing degree. And half of me asks if you read the above text about capitalistic societies and the undertones of parental expectations and all. But the other half of me reflects a little more. I beat myself up a lot about not going for my dreams of being a writer. For not defying my parents. For not moving out and starting my life and chasing my dreams. I blame myself for being stuck here with hours upon hours of lectures I don’t want to watch and a manuscript file on my laptop’s drive pleading to be written. I blame myself for being stuck in Australia when I want to see the world. And I tell myself ‘well, you weren’t strong enough - you didn’t have enough faith in this whole writing thing so you picked law as a safety net’ and ‘now you will stay there because you gave up before you could even try’. I hate that voice. Really, I do. But I push it back down my throat and force myself to lift my eyes to my bookshelf. That stands so tall and proud in my room. 

Because in spite of everything they did it. Writers like Kafka, C.S Lewis, Madeline Miller, Laini Taylor, Leigh Bardugo, Stephen King - they all defied the odds. They made writing for them happen while they were working a job they tolerated or merely ‘liked’, but didn’t love. Writing is a hobby. But it can be a career. And even if you simply try your best and write a story nobody ever reads you are still a writer.

So, this year I’ve begun to see writing not so much as an end goal but as a lifestyle. Because as I meditated on what I wanted to bring to 2025 I realized that being a writer isn’t strictly writing a book. It is simply writing. Anything. Unfinished or finished. Shared or unshared. 

Literature and writing, I know, just as Kafka did, is at the centre of my childish soul. Peeling back the layers of my pretend-dreams - those pressured onto me - you’ll find it. A lovely soul with a lot to tell. And although I am still in law school and find it difficult to separate time out of my schedule to write - I will build upon it. I will try. Because writing is a livelihood my dear writers. And I have such faith that if I put one step forward - one sentence, one chapter, one book - I will get a story out there. To be an author in any capacity. To have it alongside my daily pursuit of living. And I hope you do the same. 

being a writer is that - writing

♡

being a writer is that - writing ♡

Creative blessings dear writers, let’s write all that we want in 2025!

Ana.